just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
