fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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