I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
