Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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