So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Semen is not good for contacts.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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