I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
