Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
