New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
