3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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