i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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