you guys were way drunker than both of me
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
