do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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