A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
