in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i used baking grease as lip gloss
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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