I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
