So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
