I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
