i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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