When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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