if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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