I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Randomize
