i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
