I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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