I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
