I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
