FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
