So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
