I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
