I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
