I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
