dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Randomize
