Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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