I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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