So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
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