Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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