I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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