just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Someone signed my nipple.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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