I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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