I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Can I color on your dick again?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
