Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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