too bad you live with your parents still
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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