you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
is wine microwaveable?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
