need another drink. this is the easiest way
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
