What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
