Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
