Do you still have your period?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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