I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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