i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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