By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
that may or may not have been my penis.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
