sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
