Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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