the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize