I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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