she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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