what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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