So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
