it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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